john mulaney starters. ( from various interviews & clips )
- ❛ it was the best time. it was an innocent time. ❜
- ❛ are we doing it correctly ? ❜
- ❛ who am i talking about ? you ? ❜
- ❛ my neighbour was arrested by the fbi for being a cannibal. ❜
- ❛ the fbi was swarming our lobby and arrested this guy at a six am raid. ❜
- ❛ no, he never said to me in the elevator ‘ guess what : i might be a cannibal. ’ ❜
- ❛ he was quiet but he was so hungry. ❜
- ❛ we’ve all been there. ❜
- ❛ i really want that to be a lie. ❜
- ❛ florida is the costco of upsetting people. ❜
- ❛ it was like comic con but alcoholic. ❜
- ❛ so, i put it in the refrigerator. i took the hat and i put it in the fridge. ❜
- ❛ that is an interesting way to look at it. ❜
- ❛ this guy touched my car and i’m gonna nail him. ❜
- ❛ the mud on the carpet ? oh, that’s mine ? alright. ❜
- ❛ we’re a little different as people. ❜
- ❛ there’s always like five of his friends that he calls ‘ the homies ’ sleeping on the floor. ❜
- ❛ these are like XXXL shirt and jacket with spongebob squarepants pajama bottoms. ❜
- ❛ i must be the best person you know. ❜
- ❛ you’re amongst weird company. ❜
- ❛ at best, prom is like a wedding. ❜
- ❛ i’ve never met anyone who had a good prom. ❜
- ❛ you bought a limo ? ❜
- ❛ i’ve been nervous for 35 years. ❜
- ❛ they have a room for giraffes. ❜
- ❛ no ! camels, not giraffes ! ❜
- ❛ i’m just gonna sit here and eat popcorn. ❜
- ❛ this is your day to stroke each other off ! ❜
- ❛ warren, warren, warren. that’s a weird name. ❜
- ❛ we got high in my room. ❜
- ❛ i would much rather eat potato chips on the sidewalk. ❜
- ❛ i get scared at outdoor concerts. ❜
- ❛ i eat the mushrooms. i eat them all and i start hallucinating, as one does. ❜
- ❛ i watched a woman eat a hot dog over a garbage can and i stared at her like she was the mona lisa. ❜
- ❛ why don’t you have a seat ? everything’s gonna be fine. ❜
- ❛ i discard people when i don’t need them. ❜
- ❛ much like tantric sex, it’s the same mess at the end. ❜
- ❛ give me a vial of your urin and i’ll do it. ❜
- ❛ oh, look. we actually did it. ❜
- ❛ the penis is triangle shaped. ❜
- ❛ do not do that. because you could get hurt or worse. ❜
- ❛ it’s called ‘ violins against violence. ’ ❜
- ❛ but didn’t you listen to our whole philosophy thing ? ❜
- ❛ i know but it’s bullshit. ❜
- ❛ oh, no. that was so long ago. who knows what happened in that dark tunnel. ❜
- ❛ nope, there is no right way to say this. ❜
- ❛ if you’re an adult male who sees no flaws in his father you are an insane person. ❜
- ❛ listen to me. we’re going to win. this is going to be fantastic. ❜
- ❛ is it me ? ❜
- ❛ i’m not mad at you about the marker. i’m not mad about the marker. ❜
- ❛ if i’m mad at anyone, it’s the dog. ❜
- ❛ oh, that spider is so turned on. ❜